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Hope
It’s been a few months since I’ve posted. Partially because I’ve been afraid to – often drafting these posts hurt. I don’t want to hurt any more than I already do. And partially because I wasn’t sure that anything I had thought about sharing felt complete yet. But today at church I found clarity and…
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Miracles
A few days after Landan’s first intubation, I went to the hospital chapel. I was feeling all the things and barely in control of my emotions. While I was in there, another woman entered. I immediately left, not wanting to break down in front of a total stranger. I went back to Landan’s room, still…
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Why Blog?
Why blog? That is a fabulous question that I don’t quite have an answer to. While Landan was hospitalized, I shared more on social media than I ever have before. We’re pretty private people. But I felt called to change that. I thought at the time that it was to gather prayers – let’s show…
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Landan’s Diagnosis
A little background on our family to really understand where were at when we got Landan’s diagnosis: Andy and I have five kids. After our third, we decided that we were content and would be ok stopping at three. Andy had a vasectomy referral, but the doctor’s office sent two referrals – one to our…
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I Lost My Son…
One of the first things I remember saying to Andy after we lost Landan was, “What a time of year for this to happen.” At the time, I was thinking how we would always be surrounded by conversations regarding the loss of a son every anniversary of Landan’s passing and how it would quite possibly…
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Relief-triggered Grief
I’ve put off writing on this topic because it requires admitting something that makes me feel terrible. Which tells me that it is EXACTLY what I should be writing about. I didn’t experience a sudden loss. I experienced a medical loss of Landan. And I would imagine that anyone who is facing medical complexities with…
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It’s Real
This week is the first time I’m really feeling the loss of Landan. Logically, I know he’s been gone for 18 days. But between the fog of trying to prepare everything for his celebration, my insomnia and severe sleep deprivation, everything just felt surreal. I’m sure it was complicated by the fact that Andy and…
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Landan’s Testimony
Since I was a little girl, I always knew I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. Even as I was going through college, my long-term plan was to be at home with my children. When my kids told my grandpa that we were pregnant with Landan, he chuckled and said, “I remember a little girl…
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The Triplets
There are many things about Landan’s story that are unique. One of the more fun ones is that all three of my siblings and I had baby boys around the same time. Landan had cousins born 24 and 18 days before him. We referred to them as “the triplets”. Two weeks prior to Landan passing,…
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The First First
Today marks 5 days without Landan. It also is our middle child’s 5th birthday. Because of Landan’s health, all the kids had been told birthday parties would be on hold this year. I am grateful for that small relief. We did our best to make his day everything he wanted it to be. We went…
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Loving Landan 