Today marks 5 days without Landan. It also is our middle child’s 5th birthday. Because of Landan’s health, all the kids had been told birthday parties would be on hold this year. I am grateful for that small relief. We did our best to make his day everything he wanted it to be. We went to Rockin’ Jump, got In n Out for lunch, bought him a new big boy bike and helmet – because, “Mom, not that I five, I don’t need a little boy helmet”. He’s been giddy and happy all day long. I have no doubt that for him, this birthday was as special as any other has ever been.
But the smile on my face was, more often than not, a fake. I thrive on watching my children have fun. Nothing brings me more joy. Our 20 month old was having the time of his life bouncing and then falling down and getting tickled. He has the best laugh and it certainly didn’t disappoint today. But each time his laughter pierced my ears, the pit in my stomach grew a little bigger. My urge to run to the bathroom to throw up what little I was able to get in my stomach became stronger. And my smile became a bit more forced. Because each giggle was a starch reminder that we will never get to experience this with Landan. Landan’s smile lit up his face unlike any of our other babies. I have no doubt that his laugh would have come from deep within his belly with a smile that radiated out of his big green eyes.
Today I feel robbed. Robbed of the beautiful life that would have been Landan’s. Robbed of the joy of seeing ALL my children growing and learning, enjoying life in a way only kids seem to know how. Having five kids, our life was messy and chaotic. But each kid added exponentially more joy and love. I find myself wondering if I will ever feel fulfilled as I used to or if I will always feel that our experiences are subpar because Landan is missing.
I wonder how similarly my children feel about today. My oldest two certainly seem to feel it on some level. They’ve both been unusually sensitive and whiny. There’s a sadness that hangs over #2 that I never would have expected of him. I pray that my kids don’t spend their life feeling like they are being shortchanged through every life experience. My list of things to pray over my children seems to be growing daily. It’s a hearty challenge considering all I’m facing myself and at time it feels daunting.
Rowan wrote a note today. “I love you Landan. Thank you, God for keeping him.” And maybe on days like today, where finding the words feels too much to bare, a simple love note to Landan and God is a good place to start.
Loving Landan 
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