Loving Landan

There are many things about Landan’s story that are unique.  One of the more fun ones is that all three of my siblings and I had baby boys around the same time.  Landan had cousins born 24 and 18 days before him.  We referred to them as “the triplets”.  Two weeks prior to Landan passing, his third cousin was born.  Our whole family was so excited to have this tight little gang of boys to grow up together.

About a month prior to Landan’s passing, one of “the triplets” moved out of state.  Yesterday, he and his family returned for Landan’s celebration of life.  Our big kids had baseball games, so all my siblings showed up with their precious little boys.  I am so grateful for their support. And my kids love having their crowd cheering them on.

But today was the first time “the triplets” were together as just two.  At one point, every mama was busy feeding or changing their little babe and I lost it.  I am supposed to have my own little one to feed, change, and sooth during his siblings’ games.  To strap into his carrier and smell his sweet baby smell. 

I have looked forward to the day my siblings started their families for years.  And when it all worked out that we would be adding boys all within 6 months of each other, the excitement was multiplied.  Now, being around my nephews is tainted by Landan missing.  Not only is my little family no longer complete, neither is the boy gang.  Family gatherings and holidays are something I’ve always looked forward to.  Even more so as our family grew with a new generation.  And now I wonder for how long I will dread them.  For how long will I watch my siblings care for their babies and be overtaken by an incredible ache for my own? Will I ever be the aunt I’ve waited so long to be? Or will I only ever see my missing boy?

I’ve learned quickly that loss reaches much farther and is much more complicated than I could have imagined.  I have no answers to my questions.  And I’m not even sure I can say if I want those things to go away.  At this time, acknowledging that there may be a day that seeing my nephews running around will only bring me joy, feels like admitting that some day I won’t feel Landan’s absence.  That his life will be just a fleeting memory.  Moving forward without feeling like you’re leaving behind your lost one feels impossible.